What is mama to do?

"Spare the rod, and spoil the child", was my grandma's maxim, and that of many parents at the time.

My mom would never raise her hand. She believed in talking with children. So did some other parents her generation and a few generations post. So high is that belief that a Chinese bay area parent had their son taken away from them in Arizona because they were seen hitting him.

Now-a-days, I see sprinkling of articles supporting spanking again.

The truth is that fads come and go - in parenting, in medicine, in fashion.

Are you a Chinese Mom?

Amy Chua's article seems to have created an uproar. Should one push one's child or just introduce them to new concepts, and let her discover the joys herself?

I consider myself a pretty typical Asian parent. But by Chua's Chinese mom standards, I fall very short.

Oh, I am tough when I want to be. I can be really hard when it comes to putting plates away in the sink, or eating one's food without complaining. I once had little brat stay at the breakfast table till 3pm, skip a birthday party, and finish her cereal.

Parenting Philosophies

Very early on, I learnt that there are a gazillion different parenting philosophies, and none of them are either right or wrong.

From the time the baby is born, and the parents have to decide on a name, it is decisions, decisions, decisions. To bottle feed or breast feed. To burp on the shoulder or on the lap. To sleep use a bassinet or the parent's bed. To enforce a feeding schedule, or let the child lead. When does one start solids. What solids to give first.What is the caregiver arrangement. On and on it goes. And, it seems like it never ends, even as they grow older.

With brats like mine, parents struggle with how many classes, how much play, how much unsupervised time is OK, how much unsupervised time is necessary, how much TV, private school or public school, street play or backyard play, and so on.

This diversity of parenting methods sometimes poses challenges. Two parents may not agree on the method, or a parent may find their method different from the neighbors', and thus not be able to build the support groups needed, such as, kids who can bike together to school, carpool help with activities, etc.

What are your challenges, and how do you deal with them?

Brat #1 meets boy next door: A chapter book

Chapter 1: Is it too early?

It is too early to introduce my precious brats to my first love. It is time, however, for brat #1 to get to know my boy next door.

Yes, he helps you make tea, pack suitcases, build boomerangs, count beads, knit, read music, resist buying that lottery ticket, and scores of other things. However, I came to know him better than that. I learnt that behind his helpful and sincere demeanor, lay a complex person full of poetry and beauty, with a Greek god body to match.

Is it too early for a child of but 9 years to be introduced to this complex and beautiful side of him?

Success Criteria

I grew up in middle class India. I was taught in very many subtle and overt ways that I needed to be able to financially support myself, and if needed, my family. I was encouraged to have hobbies that did not make money - but opting for theater or music or sport as a profession would have been discouraged. I was also taught to measure myself towards these goals. We had marks, ranks, admissions, grades and ratings in almost every facet of our lives. 


As a professional, I believe strongly in metrics. I am always coming up with metrics to measure and understand where I need to pay more attention.


It is natural for people like me to try to measure our success as a parent. Here in lies the problem. How do you measure your success as a parent? 


For me, the measure will be whether I have given my kids the tools to think clearly and deeply, live happily, and believe in the inherent goodness of people, while being able to traverse through follies of friends and foes. What is your measure? Do you think it is wrong to link your success as a parent to your child?

Our Holiday Tradition

Every Holiday season, we take the kids and their friends carol singing in the neighborhood, and collect food/money for a local food bank. It is fun for the kids, it adds to the holiday cheer in the neighborhood, and hopefully, the kids learn something about adversity and charity in the process.

As parents, we want our children to learn generosity, kindness, and charity. We also want our children to learn about poverty, war, and adversity. In America, where poor people live in a different part of town, where wars are fought on foreign lands, where charity donations are often made online, it is hard for kids to learn these.

At the very least, we hope our carol fund raiser shifts some of the focus off gifts and on generosity and holiday spirit.

What is your holiday tradition?

Competition and Happiness

Labor day is a joke now. We work more hours than we care to work, way more than the 40 hour weeks that some heroic people fought for long ago. We are in the age in of global competition. If you can't do it cheaper, someone else will. If not in this country, in a different country. If not with older, more mature employees, with younger, more eager employees. 

How much candy?

Every Halloween, we buy candy, give candy, and get candy. There are kids out there with pillow cases. Even if they ate one candy every day, they would have more than enough for the whole year. Before we can blink, there will be gingerbread cookies, cakes, candy canes, kettle corn, and the perennial See's candy that we will be inundated with for the holidays.

The candy industry benefits, but what about us and our kids?

What are your candy limits?

F = dp/dt

I don't remember when it was that I first learnt Newton's three laws of motion. It was a long time ago. It was love at first sight with the second law. I spent many a night, wondering why Newton chose to make it the second law. Did it not deserve to the be the first law? Or, maybe, the last, like that unexpected ending in a Saki story?

I then started reading any popular science book I could lay my hands on. I was romancing physics. Many books introduced me to newer concepts from Tao to Big Bang - but there was only one that seemed to illustrate the beauty that first drew me to Physics: Physics For The Inquiring Mind by Eric. M. Rogers.

We all find simplicity beautiful. The clean purposeful lines in a building, the no-nonsense attitude in a person, the concept of recursion in programming, are all beautiful. With every simplification, it feels like I am clearing out a part of my brain, storing what I need in a shelf, and making space for more. It was the simplicity of the law, the ability to explain the whole world in a nugget that was my undoing.

The second law explains that Force or Impulse is the same as the rate of change in momentum. Momentum, is   thus constant if there is no Force. This is inertia. A ball drops to the floors, rolls away, and even stops exactly as described in the second law.

Some day, when my kids grow to be teenagers, I hope they will discover simplicity, and fall in love too.

Then again, my husband was a quizzer. His was in love with trivia and lots of unrelated facts. Maybe they will take after him.

Magazines

I highly recommend that if you have not tried subscribing a magazine for your child, you try it out. Literary magazines provide a mix of poems, jokes, stories, and articles.  In addition, most magazines carry age appropriate activities (like coloring, crossword puzzles, recipes, experiments, etc.). For kids who do not read much, it is a gentle nudge to read. For those who read voraciously, it provides some new content on a regular basis. In addition, there is a surprise factor to when the kid receives the magazine, that makes magazines extra special.

Here are some popular magazines. If I have missed any that you like, or have more information about any of these magazines, do drop a comment below. I personally recommend trying a magazine that has no advertisements, especially, for the younger kids. Note that most magazines will have articles at a range of reading levels to address the age group the magazine targets. For the youngest readers, this implies that you have to do some of the reading.

Prices quoted are newsstand prices. Most of these can be subscribed at a substantial discount from the magazine website.

Age 0-4 (listener):

Babybug ($3.77/issue): Literary magazine. No advertisements. Note that it is not a board book, but has heavy stock paper, rounded corners, and non-toxic ink.

Wild Animal Baby ($2.70/issue): Animal  magazine. No advertisements.

Zoobies ($4.33/issue): Animal magazine. No advertisements.


Disney and Me ($4.00/issue): For age 2+. Features Pooh characters.

Preschool Playroom ($4.50/issue): For age 2+. Features Big Blue Bear, Paddington Bear, Peter Rabbit, Mr. Potato Head, Spot.

Thomas and Friends ($4.00/issue): For age 2+. For train lovers.

Age 4-7 (beginning reader):

Your Big Backyard ($2.00/issue): Animal Magazine. No adverisements. These were my kids favorites, and the value-for-money is unbeatable!

Zootles ($4.33/issue): Animal Magazine. No advertisements.

National Geographic for Little Kids ($4.16/issue): Geography Magazine.

Ladybug ($3.77/issue): Literature magazine. No advertisements.

Sparkle World ($4.00/issue): Features various girly characters like Strawberry Shortcake, Bratz, Littlest Pet Shop, Polly Pocket, My Little Pony, Angelina Ballerina, and Rainbow Magic. 

Highlights for Children ($2.91/issue): Coloring, puzzles, activities.

Click ($3.77/issue): Science magazine. No advertisements.


Age 7-12 (reader):


Kids Discover ($2.25/issue): Science and social studies magazine.

Young Rider ($2.17/issue): Equestrian magazine.

Ranger Rick ($2.00/issue): Animal magazine. No advertisements.

Zoobooks ($2.16/issue): Animal magazine. No advertisements.

Spider ($3.77/issue): Literature magazine. No advertisements.

AppleSeeds ($3.77/issue): Peoples, culture, history magazine. No advertisements.

Ask ($3.77/issue): General articles for the curious mind. No advertisements.

Sports Illustrated Kids ($1.66/issue): Sports magazine.

Teen age:
Note that I have no exposure to these, as my kids are not yet teens. However, I have listed a few magazines that (from the outside) seem like they are not all about fashion, gossip, celebrity, and such topics.

Cricket ($3.77/issue): Literature magazine. No advertisements.

Cicada ($3.77/issue): Literature magazine for older teens. No advertisements.

Cobblestone ($3.77/issue): American history magazine. No advertisements.

Calliope ($3.77/issue): World history magazine. No advertisements.

Faces ($3.77/issue): Magazine about cultures and peoples. No advertisements.

Muse ($3.77/issue): Magazine about science, history, and arts. No advertisements.

Odyssey ($3.77/issue): Science magazine. No advertisements.

Dig ($3.77/issue): Archeology magazine. No advertisements.

New York Times Upfront ($1.14/issue): News magazine.

Youth Outlook ($2.50/issue): Literary magazine for older teens and youth.

Teen Ink ($3.50/issue): Magazine about literature, reviews, music, photography. Articles written by teens.

Next Step ($3.59/issue): College prep magazine.

To Believe or Not to Believe ...

Have you faced those moments, when you are not sure if a child is telling the truth or lying? How do you react to those situations? Does your reaction change depending on what you know about the child from past incidents? What about when you don't know the child too well?

Kids Lunch

"What do you pack for your kid for lunch?"


It is one topic that gets a lot of parents listening and/or talking. From making something that kids will eat, to packing it, to getting the amount right, to keeping it warm, lunch poses the ultimate challenge. 


Here are my constraints:


My younger one goes to a school where they have a nice, leisurely, 1 hour lunch. Everyone gets a plate and silver (which they load into the dishwasher at the end of lunch). There is a microwave to warm up food, and a pretty good hot lunch on three days of the week.


My older one goes to a school where they have only 20 minutes at the table before the next group arrives. Hot lunch queues are too long to fit into that time slot, and everyone packs lunch. There is no microwave to warm food, and no plates or silver.


In addition, both kids have foods one likes and the other does not. As if this was not enough, they both do not like to eat the same food as last night. So, I have to keep leftovers for a day or two and recycle at a different time, or change their form.


My saviors are:

1. Laptop Bento lunch box. There is a place to keep the silver, you don't need a plate, and it has containers with and without lids for different foods, dips, etc.
2. Thermos food jar: I am still figuring out the right one, as the one I have does not keep the food warm, and even leaks at times. However, I am convinced that this is needed for those who cannot warm up food. I tried packing only cold foods for a while and found that it is extremely restrictive.
3. Change your leftovers: If your kids don't like to eat the same food for consecutive meals, instead of waiting a day or two to pack leftovers, change its form. For example convert left over daal into a soup. Make appams with dosa dough. Put left over subji into a sandwich or a wrap. By changing the bread and the way you serve, you can make it look like something else.
4. If the kids get left overs back, reduce the amount or change the food. Giving kids a hard time is not going to make them eat it. It is going to make them throw it in the trash without me knowing.
5. Use store bought cheese, soups, stocks, breads, etc (after checking ingredients) - but assemble the food yourself, so you can change its form. 
6. No matter what every expert says, plan the lunch at night - but pack it in the morning. You will need to heat the food again anyway.

Do your kids love a lunch that you pack? Have you found a way to pack the lunch at night? Have you found a great lunch box? If so, share it here.

It is sometimes good to not be good?

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32641448#32641448

Summary: As parents, we are not good enough, if we are too good. If we don't do something for ourselves, we are harming our kids by modeling too much goodness. So, do this for your brats: don't do things for them. Kapish?

Child's Play

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. We knew that many generations ago. Yet, somehow, we forgot that. So, between our need to get our kids into the ivy schools, and our desire to keep them safe, we became helicopter parents, constantly hovering over our children. We even came to think that letting our kids be unsupervised before the age of 12 is somehow negligent.

Then, we remembered the need for physical fitness, and so we added soccer, T-ball, dance, and tai-chi to their weekly routine, and demanded PE classes at schools.

Now we find that children benefit more from recess and playing on the street in front of the house, than from the little league games. Much is being written about the correlation between unstructured, unsupervised play, and executive decision making power.

Here is my take on all this: It is over-analyzing our kids' lives that has led to over-achieving, stressed out, maladjusted, misbehaving, or just under-achieving kids that the experts attribute to lack of play. It also has lead to stressed out, over-achieving, maladjusted parents, and I am certain that in a few years there will be articles about the toll parenting is taking on parents.

So, as a self-appointed-expert, I have some advise for the parent-in-me:

1. Don't be an active parent every moment of your life. Get a hobby or spend some time with your friends, and let the kids do the same.

2. Find a community that shares your values, and let the community do some of the work. They say "It takes a village to raise a child" for a reason.

3. The only definition of success is happiness. The best way to teach your child to be happy in adulthood is to be happy oneself.

Procreation

It is easier not to have kids. After kids, your life changes. Corning-ware replaces your fine china; the pearls in the dresser make space for plastic beads strung on a piece of elastic; and you find yourself reading Time for kids in the powder room (if you get a chance to read at all).

Nothing transforms you the way kids do. You learn to cajole, bribe, threaten, and blackmail all in the same breath. You learn to manage your time better, and you learn to answer questions ad nauseum. And you re-learn your teenage idealism. In attempting to create responsible citizens you are forced to think about what it means, and how your life reflects it.

Parenting tests you, your relationships, your assumptions, your reflexes, and much more, in ways that nothing else does. This is one test where there are no second chances.

In some ways, raising kids is like battling cancer or fighting a war. Only it is not.

One does not often choose to battle cancer, or fight a just war, or engage in other heroic tasks. One is thrown into those situations. Many do, however, wish to be a parent - enough to go through a lot of trouble to conceive/adopt.

There in lies the mystery of life and procreation.

Reading Aloud

When I had my first born, I read often-and-everywhere, that children should be read to. Even babies. "Pff!" I thought.

Voracious reader I was, but I had never read aloud. The art was foreign, and the purpose all foggy. So, I decided I would read when she was old enough to understand what I read. Time passed, and I started reading board books, and then picture books, and then longer books, and then poems, and then nonsense books.

Soon, I was reading aloud everything I could lay hands on. And what do you know, I enjoyed it (sometimes more than they did, and often more than reading to myself). I am not sure if it is the joy in listener's eyes, the joy of sharing something you love, or just the joy of listening to the words and sounds yourself. It is probably a bit of all.

Now, I wish I never have to stop reading aloud. And I understand, how it can be a wonderful experience to read to a month old baby. After all, reading is a bit like singing - one does not always have to understand the words.

The Montessori Method

Have you ever seen a half child? What then is a whole child? Often, alternate educators use jargon that is not well defined or understood. The scientist in me rebels against this.

I send my two kids to a Montessori school ("even past kindergarten") , and often other parents are curious about my choice. Ironically, during such conversations, I have not been able to articulate my reasons any better than the alternate educators.

So, I went about identifying the top things that make a good school in general:

1. I believe kids learn best when they are interested. We have all had at least one teacher who brought that spark to the subject matter. In selecting a school, one must assess both the curriculum and the teacher for the ability to interest a child in learning.
2. I believe a school is not just made by the curriculum and teachers, but also largely by the students. Kids want to read, wear, eat, talk, live what they see around them.

However, there are plenty of traditional schools with great teachers and wonderful children. Why Montessori? Reading about reinforcements in "Don't Shoot The Dog", gave me the words to explain one of the many aspects of the Montessori Method that fascinate me.

All "teaching" requires reinforcements. There are negative reinforcements, such as, an angry glance, a punishment, a time out. There are positive reinforcements, such as, a special toy, a word of praise, a cookie, a sticker. However, all of these are external reinforcements. The joy of learning, accomplishing, or perfecting a task, is an internal reinforcement. Try convincing someone who has poor self image that they look good, and the power of internal reinforcement will become obvious.

Montessori schools nurture, rely on, and build upon the child's internal compass to reinforce behavior and learning. The results, so far, have been amazing. The child wants to learn. The child knows what is right. Most of all, when the child grows up and the school, the teacher, the peer group, the parents, etc. are removed from the person, the internal compass will still be there to guide her. Or so one hopes.